Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Crotch Parasites

Whew! I sincerely apologize for forcing you, delightful enlightened readers, to suffer through yet another post from my assistant Scientition Dr. Alarren Feden (you're clearly undisciplined, I will see you in the lab after business hours, and bring the bunsen burner. Wear the purple trousers, the ones with the tassels. You know what to do). Your support for crotchology and our mission to create a brighter future for virtual pelvic girdles has at times moved me to tears, I am grateful and full of gratitude for your faithful dedication. No doubt with your patient attention and Alarren's psudo-educated experimental flailing, we will have yet another highly developed scientific expert on our hands in no time, whose crotch analyses will pave the way to a new future where all of us are in possession of a well-endowed package of knowledge. The concept is deliciously marvelous, and as much as I wish that I could be the soul harbinger of scientific enlightenment, I require more than just a single highly evolved intellect to bring forth this deep and meaningful understanding of our cosmic existence; that which we call Crotchology.

Thus, as a service to our highly sophisticated readers, this article will be dedicated to exploring a particular strain of crotch parasite. It is a disturbing topic, to be sure, but as with most important health issues, a solid understanding of crotch science may serve as the best preventative precaution. While most groin parasites are disseminated through the act of fornication between individuals of dubious taste and questionable style, (and also by forest trolls, but everyone knows this), this particular parasite seems to be contracted through contact with roleplaying.

Roleplaying is a phenomenon where seemingly healthy individuals simulate various psychological neuroses within a nonsensical world where gravity does not exist. These individuals then exchange neurotic behaviors, such as speaking in cryptic sentences and dressing one another in aluminum chain mail, for the sake of pleasure and competition. While coming in contact with roleplaying is a mostly innocuous experience, there are some rare occasions where the exchange of neurotic behaviors between role players (and sometimes between role players and non-role players) can result in negative consequences. One of the most common roleplay induced infections is a sort of quickly spreading social disease very similar to the condition of baby-mama-drama or pre-pubescent-lunchroom-oh-no-she-didn't disease. This particular disease often involves the pelvic girdle, though it's origins most commonly stem from patients with enlarged oral cavities and limited frontal lobe functionality.

A much more rare and exotic, and thus a infinitely more interesting sort of infection is one that involves parasitic infestations of the crotch.

Here is an example of roleplay induced parasitic groin infection. Note the menacing primate-emulating creature joined to the pelvic fork. This particular specimen is much larger than most typical crotch parasites, which suggests that it is ready to divide and multiply. This is a highly contagious individual who should be avoided at all costs! This patient's monkey is clearly too large to stay contained within his trousers, and thus was allowed to burst free.

Here is a second example of the same crotch parasite. In both cases, the reader will note the subject's clothing. As these are the only known photographs of primate-crotch infection, it can safely be deduced that said infection only affects individuals who dress like pirates and lumberjacks, or lumberjack-pirates. Thus, we can all avoid similar infections by staying away from salt water and port towns (and by avoiding the act of leaving our keyboards for extended periods of time, or disallowing a friend or significant other access to our avatars while we explore alternate-history roleplay).