Thursday, August 5, 2010


As a scientition, one carries a heavy burden of responsibility. Especially when said scientition studies such a socially touchy subject such as crotchology. Thus, a good measure of professionalism is essential to ensuring accurate scientific assessment of the loins.

Here is a sophisticated and professional crotch. Note the simply tailored pinstriped trousers. Such trousers clearly express a high level of intelligence and aptitude for scientific analysis. Note the fit around the groin, how the fork that is created is exact and angular, not unkempt and slumpy like the fork created by college co-ed pantaloons. This crotch has clearly graduated from university. Also note the lack of frivolous ornamentation. The educated crotch requires no spicy decoration in order to convey a sense of importance, in order to command attention and establish credibility. Also note how the slacks have been ironed with a fashionable crease, and what about that tastefully arranged clock? All evidence suggests that this crotch is highly sophisticated, intelligent, and singularly unique (this may or may not be a picture of Marian Dragovar's crotch, but if it isn't, it might as well be).

This crotch, however, is not. But that skirt IS very pretty. I will let Alarren discuss this crotch.

*tacks big red note out of the way where she hopes nobody will see: "ALARREN, WRITE AN ANALYSIS FOR THIS FANCY CROTCH, OR I AM TAKING YOUR TEST TUBES AWAY"*

Alarren grumbles: I knew this was going to happen. As soon as they started giving robots the ability to feel, I knew they were going to become as bad as people. Many of my colleagues argued they would be even worse, but this is mere reactionary panic. Sure, robots have the strength to rip a man in half, but they also have an off switch, and I feel this is an even trade.

At least in general.

I have no control over Marian, much to her delight, and she has decided to give me an ultimatum, secure in her metal clad fortress of invulnerability. Feel secure ordering a fleshling around, do you? Well I have news for you, wench! Had you asked politely, I might have been content to dissect the nuanced, ruffled texture and mysteriously alluring tattoo of the crotch you intended for me. But you did not! You felt it wise to threaten the foremost Scientician of the greater Armada area, and as such, you have forced my hand. I must analyze a crotch, lest I lose my laboratory, but there are TWO figures in the picture, madam, and I intend to focus on only one.

Your standard mechanized mannequin employs a bi-gyro-plated high-tensile elastoid turbine recombinator, allowing for a reasonable approximation of the human gait. Our esteemed hostess, however, possesses a heavily modified R-17 interlaced tri-plated tensile-gyro inverter, resulting in a fourteen percent reduction in friction, as well as a nine percent increase in torque. While this is a technical achievement of no small merit, one wonders what a non-combat automaton would need with such, for lack of a better term, groinal efficiency.

Perhaps the answer lies in the garb obscuring this "super crotch". While normally favoring a modest, if well crafted, skirt- in the proper Victorian style, no less- there is ample evidence that Marian often girds her loins with pants, as might be worn by a man. In fact, if one examines the above photo, one can clearly see the outlines of pants underneath her dress!

My friends, I realize my analysis of the pubic fork in question is harsh. But it is my duty, as a Scientician and a Scholar, to shine light into darkness and explore the deepest depths of our subjects. And Marian might rest easy, for it is my duty simply to present and comment on the evidence, and not to make the accusation that she is a robot witch.

Now, if you all will excuse me, I have test tubes to hide.