Sunday, October 9, 2011

Porn Birds

SecondLife. A place of deception and intrigue. What may appear as a hot piece of 16 year old Californian ass may turn out to be an obese naked man in a basement. It is into this world we take you today, gentle reader, to examine one of the dangers, ever present in the world of SecondLife:


Scienticians' crotches form a vital part of this bird's life cycle. These apparently delightful birds flit innocuously about, biding their time until they meet a scientician. In the spirit of experimentation, a good scientician will right click on every conceivable thing in SecondLife and choose Sit; this amazing bird has evolved to make use of, and rely upon, this instinctive behaviour.

To the right you can see a dramatic reconstruction of the typical configuration of bird and crotch. The bird is a life sized replica, because real virtual porn birds are far too dangerous to approach for the purposes of demonstration, and our model stubbornly declined my repeated offer to play the bird in this reenactment scene.

When an unsuspecting scientician sits upon this bird, its true colors are quickly revealed. The bird orients itself and delivers its eggs directly into the scientician's crotch where they are fertilized by the power of science. Twenty-one days later, if not treated, one to four baby porn birds are produced from the scientician's greater crotchetal region, sometimes busting a nut, or worse, causing mild social embarrassment, to emerge in full flight.

Treatment is cheap, effective and highly entertaining, thus if you suspect you may have something in your shizzle, or for a good time, you should contact one of the scienticians who wrote this article immediately, and send me numerous pictures of the affected region for scientific purposes.

Porn birds. Simply marvellous creatures.

Many thanks to the not-completely-hideous-to-look-at model, Larisa Polikarpov for posing.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Aesthetic Realities of Possessing a Large Pelvic Girdle

Why hello there fellow science nuts! Today is a great day to stroke our minds with yet another brilliant piece of crotchological research. Today you're in for a special treat. I have located and recorded evidence of some (not so) rare examples of ample crotches in SL. In order to prepare for this analysis (which was quite a chore, there was a lot to work with, hence the long delay between article posts) I have employed the expertise of amature crotchologist and regular reader, Dr. Paulina of Who Let The Dorks Out? (Did you ever find this out? I was wondering the same thing yesterday while browsing crotches and sipping lemonade on my front porch last Wednesday).

One of the most apparent inferences one might make relating to the size of one's pelvic region is that ones crotch ornamentation correlates significantly to the size of one's groin. The leading hypothesis in the field states that: As crotch width and breadth increases, pelvic region decor availability will suffer a considerable decrease. This is for several reasons. First, as Dr. Paulina explained to me over strawberry milkshakes, a large crotch requires decorations which are large in size, so as to properly complement the natural wonder of such a sizable pelvic girdle. While one could ornament one's crotch with tiny trinkets, the sheer volume of pride required would cost a fortune. Thus, because of the cost incurred, many large crotches are not well (or tastefully) adorned.

Contrast the intricate delicacy of the above small crotch with the inane simplicity of the crotch below. Imagine the tailored panties above encapsulating the manhood of our larger crotch specimen. This exercise in imagination will indubitably lead you to a vision of how tasteless and exaggerated the seam work would look against the lower larger crotch. Tiny ornamentation, while enhancing the aesthetic volume, also increases the kitch-factor (a very complex scientific measurement system, Alarren will explain) significantly.

As further evidence of what we call "Big-Crotch, Simple-Clothes-Syndrome" (referring to the theory posited above) we may examine the quality, or lack thereof, of the unfinished waistband on the tropical orange shorts worn by this specimen. This suggests that the owner of this groin is cheap, very likely as result of the high-fiscal demands that large crotches put upon their owners.

Lastly, we have this exceptional and very rare specimen. The possessor of this crotch has decided to adorn himself simply so as to make the most of his natural size. The sophisticated choice to expose the darkly tinted man-fur suggests an intellect capable of refined aesthetic understanding. Notice how the quaint bow mimics the shape of the ample protrusion of the crotch, and how the panties cradle the loins in such a way as to both emphasize and protect the pelvic girdle.

As our readers can clearly see, there are many advantages to being in possession of a large, however, care must be taken when choosing crotch decoration and protection. Dr. Paulina suggests that if your crotch is rather large, you ought to pay special attention to avoiding crotch parasites and aggressive insects, such as the rare but dangerous crotchsquito. Furthermore, one may wish to consider consultations with a certified financial planner in order to subvert the natural tendency to over spend on crotch ornamentation. 

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Scholarly Exploits

Marian has requested I do another update. Despite exhaustion, a grueling laboratory schedule, a case of The Plague, forest fires, and a local outbreak of rabid wombats, I have decided to accede to her wishes and write a post. I do this purely as a friend and researcher, and assure you, dear readers, that it has nothing at all to do with any video footage my co-blogger may or may not have.

Tonight, we observe crotchal dichotomy. Crotches are complex and mysterious creatures, and it is important to understand some of the more common signals they present.
Our first subject is an excellent example of Discipulus Immunda, or student groin. This young pelvis is full of life and vitality, and is not afraid to advertise this fact to the world at large. The thigh markings Marian erroneously assumed to be bruises are actually complex pictographs, indicating vitality and yearning. This is emphasized by the open shirt; this is an open, welcoming, crotch. And there's really no doubt what this crotch wants.

To learn about calculus.

Our next crotch appears similar to the first, at least to the untrained eye, but do not be deceived; while our last example displayed an eager openness, this one shows a fierce territoriality. Observe the stainless steel covering and precision-machined mechanisms, the aggressive tribal tattoos, and the sinister lace doilies. All of these add up to a thigh junction that wants nothing to do with outsiders, and woe be the one foolish enough to venture too close. This is clearly a groin with no desire for company, much less a "study partner."

It's probably a Latin history major or something.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Crotch Parasites

Whew! I sincerely apologize for forcing you, delightful enlightened readers, to suffer through yet another post from my assistant Scientition Dr. Alarren Feden (you're clearly undisciplined, I will see you in the lab after business hours, and bring the bunsen burner. Wear the purple trousers, the ones with the tassels. You know what to do). Your support for crotchology and our mission to create a brighter future for virtual pelvic girdles has at times moved me to tears, I am grateful and full of gratitude for your faithful dedication. No doubt with your patient attention and Alarren's psudo-educated experimental flailing, we will have yet another highly developed scientific expert on our hands in no time, whose crotch analyses will pave the way to a new future where all of us are in possession of a well-endowed package of knowledge. The concept is deliciously marvelous, and as much as I wish that I could be the soul harbinger of scientific enlightenment, I require more than just a single highly evolved intellect to bring forth this deep and meaningful understanding of our cosmic existence; that which we call Crotchology.

Thus, as a service to our highly sophisticated readers, this article will be dedicated to exploring a particular strain of crotch parasite. It is a disturbing topic, to be sure, but as with most important health issues, a solid understanding of crotch science may serve as the best preventative precaution. While most groin parasites are disseminated through the act of fornication between individuals of dubious taste and questionable style, (and also by forest trolls, but everyone knows this), this particular parasite seems to be contracted through contact with roleplaying.

Roleplaying is a phenomenon where seemingly healthy individuals simulate various psychological neuroses within a nonsensical world where gravity does not exist. These individuals then exchange neurotic behaviors, such as speaking in cryptic sentences and dressing one another in aluminum chain mail, for the sake of pleasure and competition. While coming in contact with roleplaying is a mostly innocuous experience, there are some rare occasions where the exchange of neurotic behaviors between role players (and sometimes between role players and non-role players) can result in negative consequences. One of the most common roleplay induced infections is a sort of quickly spreading social disease very similar to the condition of baby-mama-drama or pre-pubescent-lunchroom-oh-no-she-didn't disease. This particular disease often involves the pelvic girdle, though it's origins most commonly stem from patients with enlarged oral cavities and limited frontal lobe functionality.

A much more rare and exotic, and thus a infinitely more interesting sort of infection is one that involves parasitic infestations of the crotch.

Here is an example of roleplay induced parasitic groin infection. Note the menacing primate-emulating creature joined to the pelvic fork. This particular specimen is much larger than most typical crotch parasites, which suggests that it is ready to divide and multiply. This is a highly contagious individual who should be avoided at all costs! This patient's monkey is clearly too large to stay contained within his trousers, and thus was allowed to burst free.

Here is a second example of the same crotch parasite. In both cases, the reader will note the subject's clothing. As these are the only known photographs of primate-crotch infection, it can safely be deduced that said infection only affects individuals who dress like pirates and lumberjacks, or lumberjack-pirates. Thus, we can all avoid similar infections by staying away from salt water and port towns (and by avoiding the act of leaving our keyboards for extended periods of time, or disallowing a friend or significant other access to our avatars while we explore alternate-history roleplay). 

Monday, August 23, 2010


Greetings, fellow science fans! Welcome to another exciting jaunt into the magnificent world of the crotch. Today, we examine two unique and exciting groins, and I condescendingly correct Marian.

Our first specimen is an excellent example of Leporidae Erectus. the two legged rabbit.
This is a crotch that exhibits classical sensibility. The elegantly modest pants are adorned with a single button, drawing the eye to the pelvic girdle. The sash, ostensibly silk, denotes a firm upper boundary. "This," it seems to say, "Is too high. Look lower, friend, and admire." This crotch might not stop traffic, but it will certainly garner respectful attention.

Next, we have an early industrial model, RU57 8UCK37 to be precise. While dated, this unit is perfectly serviceable, and worthy of your attention.
At first glance, this robotic crotch seems plain and uninteresting. In fact, many crotchologists of dubious expertise have said as much in similar circumstances. Honestly, I am surprised Marian presented this to me. Given her grave errors in labeling this photograph, I would expect her to miss its significance.

Let's start with composition. The RU57 line is composed of a titanium-nickel composite, and this model is no exception. The shine is due to a chrome plating, added by many dealers who wished to "jazz up" the product. The same is true of the "buttons" on the torso, which are little more than stickers and sharpie.

Next, note the shape of various anatomical features. These are not cubes, as posited by my co-writer, but prisms. A cube is a prism with six sides of equal length, so the mistake is understandable; still, I shall have to examine her positronic circuitry, just in case.

Finally, look upon the crotch itself. Labelled as "not suitable for fornication," this junction seems like a simple anchor for the legs. A little research, however, dispels this misconception.

While most of the RU57 line was designed for general labor, the 8UCK37 was unique. It was secretly ordered by the military, who wanted a weapon that could infiltrate enemy factories with ease. The blocky edges of this unit are razor sharp, and the seam along the groin splits open, revealing an array of deadly weapons. From hack saws to flamethrowers, the pelvis of this robot is filled with doom. In fact, unbeknownst to all but the most senior of officers, certain units were outfitted with powerful fusion decimators. In the event of successful communist takeover, the units were to activate, obliterating the Earth and at least half of the moon.

In other words, keep these robots happy, or we're ALL fornicated.