Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Crotches evolved from insects?

Last week Scientition Foxie took a look at the evolution of the pubic fork in his analysis of newbie crotches; through his thorough investigation we were able to observe current trends in crotch transformation across the grid. Inspired by Foxie's delicious science, I decided to spend several hours on the internet and in epilepsy-inducing virtual night clubs in order to bring you the big picture.

It is my highly-respected and accurate opinion that crotches have evolved from insects. NO. Stop. Don't think about it, you'll only damage your science receptors (explain this for us, won't you please, Alarren?), just trust me on this one. Really, one needs only look at my highly detailed scientific illustrations to see the clear relationship between insect and groin.

Alarren elucidates: Science receptors are small glands located in the back of your nose. Each one is capable of processing over 9000 Nyes* of science per second, but due to technical limitations of the human nervous system, most of the sensory input is outsourced to a shack just outside Cleveland. Unfortunately, this means your science receptors can get clogged with excess science. Extreme cases can result in fatigue, dizziness, and explosions.

*One Nye is equal to the average amount of science contained in one episode of MacGuyver

For instance, see here how both the scorpion's (which is actually an arachnid, but everyone knows that insects evolved from arachnids, therefore, they're pretty much the same thing as a crotch) luminescent glow nearly matches this lap-specimen's effulgent groin and rear-end attachments? The scorpion's eerie neon blue brilliance is clearly foreshadowing trends in black-light sensitive crotch ornamentation. Also, see how the limbs and the tail-stinger-thingy closely resemble the synthetic fibers of this bad girl's pant leg? Both creatures are in possession of their creepy fibrous and stringy tail-stinger-thingy parts as a result of defensive adaptations. The pelvic girdle in question has adapted in a much more sophisticated manner, and rather than merely flashing an array of limbs and stingers, this crotch has chosen to accent itself with symbolic signage. Messages written in English across the upper thigh and along the protective lap belt clearly communicate to potential attackers: "Don't touch me here, or I will [expletive removed] you up" -- the exact same message that the scorpion's stinger communicates. Fancy that. How do we explain such phenomenon? Science. How else?

The relationship between this insect and this (heavily disguised) crotch is self evident and requires no analysis.

On an administrative note, the bloggers here at Crotches of Second Life have decided to continue this investigative scientific journal by posting at a more reasonable rate; our expected regular contributions to the world of science and crotchology will be revealed at the rate of about three posts per week, or thereabouts, depending on the moon and whether or not Alarren is behaving like a child.

Alarren fumes: One of these days, I'm going to reprogram you as the robot from Lost in Space.


Marian Dragovar said...

*is caught looking at the insects and drooling. Quickly pushes up her glasses and scurries away back to her lab*