Crotch Parasites

Whew! I sincerely apologize for forcing you, delightful enlightened readers, to suffer through yet another post from my assistant Scientition Dr. Alarren Feden (you're clearly undisciplined, I will see you in the lab after business hours, and bring the bunsen burner. Wear the purple trousers, the ones with the tassels. You know what to do). Your support for crotchology and our mission to create a brighter future for virtual pelvic girdles has at times moved me to tears, I am grateful and full of gratitude for your faithful dedication. No doubt with your patient attention and Alarren's psudo-educated experimental flailing, we will have yet another highly developed scientific expert on our hands in no time, whose crotch analyses will pave the way to a new future where all of us are in possession of a well-endowed package of knowledge. The concept is deliciously marvelous, and as much as I wish that I could be the soul harbinger of scientific enlightenment, I require more than just a single highly evolved intellect to bring forth this deep and meaningful understanding of our cosmic existence; that which we call Crotchology.

Thus, as a service to our highly sophisticated readers, this article will be dedicated to exploring a particular strain of crotch parasite. It is a disturbing topic, to be sure, but as with most important health issues, a solid understanding of crotch science may serve as the best preventative precaution. While most groin parasites are disseminated through the act of fornication between individuals of dubious taste and questionable style, (and also by forest trolls, but everyone knows this), this particular parasite seems to be contracted through contact with roleplaying.

Roleplaying is a phenomenon where seemingly healthy individuals simulate various psychological neuroses within a nonsensical world where gravity does not exist. These individuals then exchange neurotic behaviors, such as speaking in cryptic sentences and dressing one another in aluminum chain mail, for the sake of pleasure and competition. While coming in contact with roleplaying is a mostly innocuous experience, there are some rare occasions where the exchange of neurotic behaviors between role players (and sometimes between role players and non-role players) can result in negative consequences. One of the most common roleplay induced infections is a sort of quickly spreading social disease very similar to the condition of baby-mama-drama or pre-pubescent-lunchroom-oh-no-she-didn't disease. This particular disease often involves the pelvic girdle, though it's origins most commonly stem from patients with enlarged oral cavities and limited frontal lobe functionality.

A much more rare and exotic, and thus a infinitely more interesting sort of infection is one that involves parasitic infestations of the crotch.

Here is an example of roleplay induced parasitic groin infection. Note the menacing primate-emulating creature joined to the pelvic fork. This particular specimen is much larger than most typical crotch parasites, which suggests that it is ready to divide and multiply. This is a highly contagious individual who should be avoided at all costs! This patient's monkey is clearly too large to stay contained within his trousers, and thus was allowed to burst free.

Here is a second example of the same crotch parasite. In both cases, the reader will note the subject's clothing. As these are the only known photographs of primate-crotch infection, it can safely be deduced that said infection only affects individuals who dress like pirates and lumberjacks, or lumberjack-pirates. Thus, we can all avoid similar infections by staying away from salt water and port towns (and by avoiding the act of leaving our keyboards for extended periods of time, or disallowing a friend or significant other access to our avatars while we explore alternate-history roleplay). 

Crotchology

Greetings, fellow science fans! Welcome to another exciting jaunt into the magnificent world of the crotch. Today, we examine two unique and exciting groins, and I condescendingly correct Marian.

Our first specimen is an excellent example of Leporidae Erectus. the two legged rabbit.

This is a crotch that exhibits classical sensibility. The elegantly modest pants are adorned with a single button, drawing the eye to the pelvic girdle. The sash, ostensibly silk, denotes a firm upper boundary. "This," it seems to say, "Is too high. Look lower, friend, and admire." This crotch might not stop traffic, but it will certainly garner respectful attention.

Next, we have an early industrial model, RU57 8UCK37 to be precise. While dated, this unit is perfectly serviceable, and worthy of your attention.

At first glance, this robotic crotch seems plain and uninteresting. In fact, many crotchologists of dubious expertise have said as much in similar circumstances. Honestly, I am surprised Marian presented this to me. Given her grave errors in labeling this photograph, I would expect her to miss its significance.

Let's start with composition. The RU57 line is composed of a titanium-nickel composite, and this model is no exception. The shine is due to a chrome plating, added by many dealers who wished to "jazz up" the product. The same is true of the "buttons" on the torso, which are little more than stickers and sharpie.

Next, note the shape of various anatomical features. These are not cubes, as posited by my co-writer, but prisms. A cube is a prism with six sides of equal length, so the mistake is understandable; still, I shall have to examine her positronic circuitry, just in case.

Finally, look upon the crotch itself. Labelled as "not suitable for fornication," this junction seems like a simple anchor for the legs. A little research, however, dispels this misconception.

While most of the RU57 line was designed for general labor, the 8UCK37 was unique. It was secretly ordered by the military, who wanted a weapon that could infiltrate enemy factories with ease. The blocky edges of this unit are razor sharp, and the seam along the groin splits open, revealing an array of deadly weapons. From hack saws to flamethrowers, the pelvis of this robot is filled with doom. In fact, unbeknownst to all but the most senior of officers, certain units were outfitted with powerful fusion decimators. In the event of successful communist takeover, the units were to activate, obliterating the Earth and at least half of the moon.

In other words, keep these robots happy, or we're ALL fornicated.

Crotches evolved from insects?

Last week Scientition Foxie took a look at the evolution of the pubic fork in his analysis of newbie crotches; through his thorough investigation we were able to observe current trends in crotch transformation across the grid. Inspired by Foxie's delicious science, I decided to spend several hours on the internet and in epilepsy-inducing virtual night clubs in order to bring you the big picture.

It is my highly-respected and accurate opinion that crotches have evolved from insects. NO. Stop. Don't think about it, you'll only damage your science receptors (explain this for us, won't you please, Alarren?), just trust me on this one. Really, one needs only look at my highly detailed scientific illustrations to see the clear relationship between insect and groin.

Alarren elucidates: Science receptors are small glands located in the back of your nose. Each one is capable of processing over 9000 Nyes* of science per second, but due to technical limitations of the human nervous system, most of the sensory input is outsourced to a shack just outside Cleveland. Unfortunately, this means your science receptors can get clogged with excess science. Extreme cases can result in fatigue, dizziness, and explosions.

*One Nye is equal to the average amount of science contained in one episode of MacGuyver

For instance, see here how both the scorpion's (which is actually an arachnid, but everyone knows that insects evolved from arachnids, therefore, they're pretty much the same thing as a crotch) luminescent glow nearly matches this lap-specimen's effulgent groin and rear-end attachments? The scorpion's eerie neon blue brilliance is clearly foreshadowing trends in black-light sensitive crotch ornamentation. Also, see how the limbs and the tail-stinger-thingy closely resemble the synthetic fibers of this bad girl's pant leg? Both creatures are in possession of their creepy fibrous and stringy tail-stinger-thingy parts as a result of defensive adaptations. The pelvic girdle in question has adapted in a much more sophisticated manner, and rather than merely flashing an array of limbs and stingers, this crotch has chosen to accent itself with symbolic signage. Messages written in English across the upper thigh and along the protective lap belt clearly communicate to potential attackers: "Don't touch me here, or I will [expletive removed] you up" -- the exact same message that the scorpion's stinger communicates. Fancy that. How do we explain such phenomenon? Science. How else?

The relationship between this insect and this (heavily disguised) crotch is self evident and requires no analysis.

On an administrative note, the bloggers here at Crotches of Second Life have decided to continue this investigative scientific journal by posting at a more reasonable rate; our expected regular contributions to the world of science and crotchology will be revealed at the rate of about three posts per week, or thereabouts, depending on the moon and whether or not Alarren is behaving like a child.

Alarren fumes: One of these days, I'm going to reprogram you as the robot from Lost in Space.

Crotches in the mist

Marian has requested I do another solo post. Requested politely, I might add, with no threats whatsoever. You see what happens when you play nice, Madam Robot? No one has to be chased anywhere by peasants with pitchforks.

Crotches are highly adaptive entities. Given enough time, they will adjust to their surroundings and flourish, just like rabbits, roaches, and boy bands.

Our first crotch exhibits several interesting adaptations. Note the aggressive markings, in this case firearms, to dissuade predators. Upon closer inspection, these are not guns at all, but optical illusions created by skin coloration, belt placement, and lasers. In a similar vein, the distracting sheen of the legs blinds potential predators and prey alike. Finally, the belt can be used in mating rituals that our researchers can only describe as "kinky."

Next is an exotic crotch, photographed in the far off land of That Place Over There, Y'know, Where The Things Are. While its sepia tone brings to mind the kinder, gentler days of yore, do not be fooled. This crotch is ready for action, and I don't mean gun fights.

Actually, it IS ready for gun fights, but I was referring to OTHER action.

The corset, while not technically an adornment of the crotch, is a time honored tradition amongst people who have crotches. It highlights geographical features while minimizing unwanted topography, creating what scienticians refer to as "hawtness." The simple, hip hugging boy shorts add to the effect, creating an entire pelvic region ready for love.

And gun fights.

Survival of the Fittest Crotch

Tasked with investigating the evolution of crotches, our intrepid Crotch Surveillance Team made its way to the Welcome Area in the hopes of spotting crotches in the first few stages of existence.

We were not disappointed. The evolutionary advantages of this crotch were immediately apparent.


This primitive crotch makes heavy use of camouflage to effectively disguise itself from prey. Its streamlined form is perfect for the windy featureless habitat on which it roams, where external mating apparatus would be a wind chafing hazard. A perfect example of adaption.

Alarren adds: I've asked our surveillance team to start gathering data. I have a suspicion the area was "really freakin' cold," which would throw a wrench into some of the theories presented here.

We were also lucky to witness a crotch attempting to acquire a mate.


Notice the way this crotch decorates itself in order to attract attention. This is a brief phenomenon; once the crotch acquires a mate, it tends to discard this fanciful adornment for the duration of mating and only resumes wearing underwear that is very large and inexpensive - better suited to the task of rearing young.

The gravity defying way this crotch has clothed itself baffled the scienticians present for many minutes. The effects of gravity in the area seem consistent with sea level norms and yet the crotch appears to maintain its grip on the host's pants without any help from the hips as is commonly seen elsewhere. Without capturing a specimen to examine, we are left to conjecture on the strategy being employed here. Scienticians present put forward the following theories: Localised gravity field, secreted adhesive fluid, assistance from host's knees being gripped together.

Alarren muses: Perhaps it's just the power of love? Now if you'll excuse me, I need to wash my mouth out for saying such a thing.

And now, for something completely different: HISTORY!

Today we have a very special feature - a post about crotches from a historical perspective. Here we sample crotches that paved the way for crotch analysis, important crotches across the grid, as analyzed by Historian and Cultural Anthropologist, Ms. Lette Ponnier.

When I heard of this new Second Life blog, easily the most intriguing and important new resource on virtual anthropology, demography, and numerous other fields of study, I knew it could benefit from an historical perspective as well. Crotches of the present-day Second Life owe a debt to the crotches that made this world and its pants possible. I wish to contribute to this endeavor by paying respects to two of the most important crotches of SL.

Firstly, there is the powerful crotch of Philip Linden. This is the crotch that spawned our world, and placing it under close examination reveals much about SL at its core. This crotch's practical foundation, embellished with colorful detail evoking a celebratory, carefree emotional tone, appropriately reflects Philip's goals for this virtual environment.

Secondly, I submit Anshe Chung, SL's first millionaire (calculated in first life currency), and her tastefully understated crotch. Ms Chung's 2006 appearance on the cover of BusinessWeek, in a jeongsam dress that modestly obscured any groinal delineation, is replaced in-world with a comfortable look that allows crotch admiration without drawing undue attention. Undoubtedly, this is a model to which aspiring SL capitalists can look to in balancing the conflicting ideals of "business casual" crotchwear.

*Photo credits: Phillip Linden's Crotch is from Feline Slade's stream, and Anshe Chung's Crotch from  Ruby Sinreich/RubyJi:

**Please note, we do not generally divulge the identities of the crotches we analyze on Crotches of Second Life, but for the sake of history, we make a small exception.

Professionalism

As a scientition, one carries a heavy burden of responsibility. Especially when said scientition studies such a socially touchy subject such as crotchology. Thus, a good measure of professionalism is essential to ensuring accurate scientific assessment of the loins.

Here is a sophisticated and professional crotch. Note the simply tailored pinstriped trousers. Such trousers clearly express a high level of intelligence and aptitude for scientific analysis. Note the fit around the groin, how the fork that is created is exact and angular, not unkempt and slumpy like the fork created by college co-ed pantaloons. This crotch has clearly graduated from university. Also note the lack of frivolous ornamentation. The educated crotch requires no spicy decoration in order to convey a sense of importance, in order to command attention and establish credibility. Also note how the slacks have been ironed with a fashionable crease, and what about that tastefully arranged clock? All evidence suggests that this crotch is highly sophisticated, intelligent, and singularly unique (this may or may not be a picture of Marian Dragovar's crotch, but if it isn't, it might as well be).

This crotch, however, is not. But that skirt IS very pretty. I will let Alarren discuss this crotch.

*tacks big red note out of the way where she hopes nobody will see: "ALARREN, WRITE AN ANALYSIS FOR THIS FANCY CROTCH, OR I AM TAKING YOUR TEST TUBES AWAY"*

Alarren grumbles: I knew this was going to happen. As soon as they started giving robots the ability to feel, I knew they were going to become as bad as people. Many of my colleagues argued they would be even worse, but this is mere reactionary panic. Sure, robots have the strength to rip a man in half, but they also have an off switch, and I feel this is an even trade.

At least in general.

I have no control over Marian, much to her delight, and she has decided to give me an ultimatum, secure in her metal clad fortress of invulnerability. Feel secure ordering a fleshling around, do you? Well I have news for you, wench! Had you asked politely, I might have been content to dissect the nuanced, ruffled texture and mysteriously alluring tattoo of the crotch you intended for me. But you did not! You felt it wise to threaten the foremost Scientician of the greater Armada area, and as such, you have forced my hand. I must analyze a crotch, lest I lose my laboratory, but there are TWO figures in the picture, madam, and I intend to focus on only one.

Your standard mechanized mannequin employs a bi-gyro-plated high-tensile elastoid turbine recombinator, allowing for a reasonable approximation of the human gait. Our esteemed hostess, however, possesses a heavily modified R-17 interlaced tri-plated tensile-gyro inverter, resulting in a fourteen percent reduction in friction, as well as a nine percent increase in torque. While this is a technical achievement of no small merit, one wonders what a non-combat automaton would need with such, for lack of a better term, groinal efficiency.

Perhaps the answer lies in the garb obscuring this "super crotch". While normally favoring a modest, if well crafted, skirt- in the proper Victorian style, no less- there is ample evidence that Marian often girds her loins with pants, as might be worn by a man. In fact, if one examines the above photo, one can clearly see the outlines of pants underneath her dress!

My friends, I realize my analysis of the pubic fork in question is harsh. But it is my duty, as a Scientician and a Scholar, to shine light into darkness and explore the deepest depths of our subjects. And Marian might rest easy, for it is my duty simply to present and comment on the evidence, and not to make the accusation that she is a robot witch.

Now, if you all will excuse me, I have test tubes to hide.

A lot to think about

Sometimes crotches give us something to think about:

Like this one, for instance. This crotch gives us a lot to think about. This is a very complex crotch. See how the morbid ornaments on this crotch are juxtaposed against the neo-victorian delicacy of the lace shirt? Observe the dangerous spikes that guard the loins, but then observe the lacing on the thighs and the torso visible through the thin layer of lace. One aesthetic clearly suggests the intentions of a highly sophisticated street-walker, whilst the other suggests intentions of war making and aggression. This crotch is, in scientific terms, a hot mess of confusion and complexity. What do you think?

Alarren adds: I feel it prudent emphasize the juxtaposition of the crotch, from which life springs, and the gun, from which springs death. Complex indeed, but confused? Perhaps not.

Here's another significantly confusing crotch. This one is less complex, but the accessories on the appendages that surround and frame the pelvic girdle are excessively adorned with various strange ornaments. Additionally, this crotch keeper seems to have added a small swatch of fabric at a longer length across her groin, suggesting the length of this particular item of clothing was insufficient for this crotches expectation of modesty (see modest crotches). In cases such as this, the scientific observe may begin to question the objective of the crotch in question. This is very bad. Never question the intention of a crotch. Once the one begins to speculate about the loins this way the path quickly leads up into the deep caverns of bias and subjectivity. We may of course suggest a variety of possible intentions and then use our highly trained skills to design tests for the crotch so that we are able to ascertain the true nature of it's intent and expression.

In this particular case, it is better to refrain from asking questions.

Alarren muses: This crotch worries me. It is, in my professional opinion, inviting mates. And I am reasonably certain I do not want this particular specimen breeding.

Modest crotches

Here on Crotches of SL, we make every effort to provide our readers with objective scientific content capable of carrying significant academic weight and intellectual merit. For that reason, we explicitly avoid any discussions which suggest overly biased social prescriptions for behavior concerning crotches. While we do not condemn or devalue the individual's right to free expression of the loins, or ones right to censor their own pelvic girdle, we do not advocate any particular position or stance on the subject. We understand that this subject can often become quite hairy, so to speak, and thus endeavor to approach such themes with an ample dose of logic and compassion.

With this in mind we carefully embark this morning on a journey exploring crotch modesty. What is a modest crotch, you ask? Grand question; let us illustrate one of many examples of groin region modesty:

Observe the above photograph. See how the hand parts cover the most intimate fork of the pubic area? This is one of multiple variations of the positioning of an organic body to express a sentiment of modesty or innocence. A pose such as this is used chiefly in a type of communication termed body language -- a language that is entirely restricted to creatures with the ability to see. Blind beings are unable to communicate via body language, except in situations where bodily contact is involved, such as giving a slap or receiving beatings. Said communication occurs, as it might in this case, when the body is arranged in a way so as to communicate to potential viewers that the subject is not interested in collaborating in the creation of progeny. Such a modest pose may also serve as a mode of expressing discomfort or the need to partake in a standard biological bodily functions, such as urination. This kind of modest pose might also suffice as a way to tempt other creatures into pleasurable courting rituals. This pose communicates a refined sense of sophistication and control while still retaining a significantly meaningful variety of options for interpretation. It is a diverse pose, and very effective at fending off intruders which might assault or offend the crotch.

Here is another sort of modest crotch:

This crotch is not modest in the social sense, but modest in the aesthetic sense. This is a crotch collected from the standard nerdy male bioform. See how the pose is simple and unassuming. Also see how the crotch is completely without ornamentation. The fit of the trouser is adequate but not provocative or offensive. Modest crotches, rather than tools of communication, are rather little more than simple crotches in their purest form.

In both of these examples of modesty, the crotch retains a level of purity only rivaled by the loins when they are in their most natural and primitive state and completely sans adornment and covering. The crotch becomes a beacon for social interaction, or a canvas for simple aesthetic admiration in its most relaxed and unobtrusive form.

A message to our readers

I feel it's important to let everyone know, right from the start, that there will be rules on this blog. There will be no touching the models, no inappropriate language, and, above all, a respect for moral and ethical behavior. This is a place to view and discuss crotches and the things that go with them, after all. It practically screams "G Rating"

In the interest of fairness, we'll start with a crotch very close to my heart.

This is an excellent example of quality crotch. Note the way the light plays over the fabric of the pants, and the slight wrinkles around the thighs. This adds an element of mystery, drawing in the eye and captivating the viewer. What secrets does his crotch hold? What wonders await those who would explore it? Truly, this is a crotch you can share with friends.

Next up is a more playful, emotive crotch.

This picture was taken during a dance, and clearly belongs to a refined lady. Note the subtle, almost understated adornment, the way the garters draw the eye, and the reflectiveness of the crotch covering itself. While it would be easy to make this sort of thing seem crude, this crotch manages to walk the fine line of tasteful allure without venturing into crass exhibitionism.

I hope you have enjoyed this look at crotches in Second Life. While they are certainly fine specimens, there are many crotches out there, and we'll be here to show them off for you.

Alarren Feden, Scientician Extraordinaire

Our second, poorly timed crotch

In effort to continue on in the spirit of progress and innovation, I have decided to double post in honor of our blog grand opening. It is my sincere hope that this blog becomes the most popular blog about Second Life and issues of world peace in the whole world, and if not in the whole world, then at least in the Midwest region of the Unite States of America.

Speaking of the Midwest, here is a fairy crotch which has been accented by tastefully arranged insects and arachnid silk ornamentation.

Our first crotch

I thought I'd start out this blog with a post of a very nicely styled crotch.

I saw this crotch on a boat, and thought it'd be a very classy crotch to start with. This crotch belongs to a humanoid creature otherwise known as a furry, thus making this crotch a great example of a not-so-standard Second Life crotch.