Crotches evolved from insects?

Last week Scientition Foxie took a look at the evolution of the pubic fork in his analysis of newbie crotches; through his thorough investigation we were able to observe current trends in crotch transformation across the grid. Inspired by Foxie's delicious science, I decided to spend several hours on the internet and in epilepsy-inducing virtual night clubs in order to bring you the big picture.

It is my highly-respected and accurate opinion that crotches have evolved from insects. NO. Stop. Don't think about it, you'll only damage your science receptors (explain this for us, won't you please, Alarren?), just trust me on this one. Really, one needs only look at my highly detailed scientific illustrations to see the clear relationship between insect and groin.

Alarren elucidates: Science receptors are small glands located in the back of your nose. Each one is capable of processing over 9000 Nyes* of science per second, but due to technical limitations of the human nervous system, most of the sensory input is outsourced to a shack just outside Cleveland. Unfortunately, this means your science receptors can get clogged with excess science. Extreme cases can result in fatigue, dizziness, and explosions.

*One Nye is equal to the average amount of science contained in one episode of MacGuyver

For instance, see here how both the scorpion's (which is actually an arachnid, but everyone knows that insects evolved from arachnids, therefore, they're pretty much the same thing as a crotch) luminescent glow nearly matches this lap-specimen's effulgent groin and rear-end attachments? The scorpion's eerie neon blue brilliance is clearly foreshadowing trends in black-light sensitive crotch ornamentation. Also, see how the limbs and the tail-stinger-thingy closely resemble the synthetic fibers of this bad girl's pant leg? Both creatures are in possession of their creepy fibrous and stringy tail-stinger-thingy parts as a result of defensive adaptations. The pelvic girdle in question has adapted in a much more sophisticated manner, and rather than merely flashing an array of limbs and stingers, this crotch has chosen to accent itself with symbolic signage. Messages written in English across the upper thigh and along the protective lap belt clearly communicate to potential attackers: "Don't touch me here, or I will [expletive removed] you up" -- the exact same message that the scorpion's stinger communicates. Fancy that. How do we explain such phenomenon? Science. How else?

The relationship between this insect and this (heavily disguised) crotch is self evident and requires no analysis.

On an administrative note, the bloggers here at Crotches of Second Life have decided to continue this investigative scientific journal by posting at a more reasonable rate; our expected regular contributions to the world of science and crotchology will be revealed at the rate of about three posts per week, or thereabouts, depending on the moon and whether or not Alarren is behaving like a child.

Alarren fumes: One of these days, I'm going to reprogram you as the robot from Lost in Space.

Crotches in the mist

Marian has requested I do another solo post. Requested politely, I might add, with no threats whatsoever. You see what happens when you play nice, Madam Robot? No one has to be chased anywhere by peasants with pitchforks.

Crotches are highly adaptive entities. Given enough time, they will adjust to their surroundings and flourish, just like rabbits, roaches, and boy bands.

Our first crotch exhibits several interesting adaptations. Note the aggressive markings, in this case firearms, to dissuade predators. Upon closer inspection, these are not guns at all, but optical illusions created by skin coloration, belt placement, and lasers. In a similar vein, the distracting sheen of the legs blinds potential predators and prey alike. Finally, the belt can be used in mating rituals that our researchers can only describe as "kinky."

Next is an exotic crotch, photographed in the far off land of That Place Over There, Y'know, Where The Things Are. While its sepia tone brings to mind the kinder, gentler days of yore, do not be fooled. This crotch is ready for action, and I don't mean gun fights.

Actually, it IS ready for gun fights, but I was referring to OTHER action.

The corset, while not technically an adornment of the crotch, is a time honored tradition amongst people who have crotches. It highlights geographical features while minimizing unwanted topography, creating what scienticians refer to as "hawtness." The simple, hip hugging boy shorts add to the effect, creating an entire pelvic region ready for love.

And gun fights.

Survival of the Fittest Crotch

Tasked with investigating the evolution of crotches, our intrepid Crotch Surveillance Team made its way to the Welcome Area in the hopes of spotting crotches in the first few stages of existence.

We were not disappointed. The evolutionary advantages of this crotch were immediately apparent.


This primitive crotch makes heavy use of camouflage to effectively disguise itself from prey. Its streamlined form is perfect for the windy featureless habitat on which it roams, where external mating apparatus would be a wind chafing hazard. A perfect example of adaption.

Alarren adds: I've asked our surveillance team to start gathering data. I have a suspicion the area was "really freakin' cold," which would throw a wrench into some of the theories presented here.

We were also lucky to witness a crotch attempting to acquire a mate.


Notice the way this crotch decorates itself in order to attract attention. This is a brief phenomenon; once the crotch acquires a mate, it tends to discard this fanciful adornment for the duration of mating and only resumes wearing underwear that is very large and inexpensive - better suited to the task of rearing young.

The gravity defying way this crotch has clothed itself baffled the scienticians present for many minutes. The effects of gravity in the area seem consistent with sea level norms and yet the crotch appears to maintain its grip on the host's pants without any help from the hips as is commonly seen elsewhere. Without capturing a specimen to examine, we are left to conjecture on the strategy being employed here. Scienticians present put forward the following theories: Localised gravity field, secreted adhesive fluid, assistance from host's knees being gripped together.

Alarren muses: Perhaps it's just the power of love? Now if you'll excuse me, I need to wash my mouth out for saying such a thing.

And now, for something completely different: HISTORY!

Today we have a very special feature - a post about crotches from a historical perspective. Here we sample crotches that paved the way for crotch analysis, important crotches across the grid, as analyzed by Historian and Cultural Anthropologist, Ms. Lette Ponnier.

When I heard of this new Second Life blog, easily the most intriguing and important new resource on virtual anthropology, demography, and numerous other fields of study, I knew it could benefit from an historical perspective as well. Crotches of the present-day Second Life owe a debt to the crotches that made this world and its pants possible. I wish to contribute to this endeavor by paying respects to two of the most important crotches of SL.

Firstly, there is the powerful crotch of Philip Linden. This is the crotch that spawned our world, and placing it under close examination reveals much about SL at its core. This crotch's practical foundation, embellished with colorful detail evoking a celebratory, carefree emotional tone, appropriately reflects Philip's goals for this virtual environment.

Secondly, I submit Anshe Chung, SL's first millionaire (calculated in first life currency), and her tastefully understated crotch. Ms Chung's 2006 appearance on the cover of BusinessWeek, in a jeongsam dress that modestly obscured any groinal delineation, is replaced in-world with a comfortable look that allows crotch admiration without drawing undue attention. Undoubtedly, this is a model to which aspiring SL capitalists can look to in balancing the conflicting ideals of "business casual" crotchwear.

*Photo credits: Phillip Linden's Crotch is from Feline Slade's stream, and Anshe Chung's Crotch from  Ruby Sinreich/RubyJi:

**Please note, we do not generally divulge the identities of the crotches we analyze on Crotches of Second Life, but for the sake of history, we make a small exception.

Professionalism

As a scientition, one carries a heavy burden of responsibility. Especially when said scientition studies such a socially touchy subject such as crotchology. Thus, a good measure of professionalism is essential to ensuring accurate scientific assessment of the loins.

Here is a sophisticated and professional crotch. Note the simply tailored pinstriped trousers. Such trousers clearly express a high level of intelligence and aptitude for scientific analysis. Note the fit around the groin, how the fork that is created is exact and angular, not unkempt and slumpy like the fork created by college co-ed pantaloons. This crotch has clearly graduated from university. Also note the lack of frivolous ornamentation. The educated crotch requires no spicy decoration in order to convey a sense of importance, in order to command attention and establish credibility. Also note how the slacks have been ironed with a fashionable crease, and what about that tastefully arranged clock? All evidence suggests that this crotch is highly sophisticated, intelligent, and singularly unique (this may or may not be a picture of Marian Dragovar's crotch, but if it isn't, it might as well be).

This crotch, however, is not. But that skirt IS very pretty. I will let Alarren discuss this crotch.

*tacks big red note out of the way where she hopes nobody will see: "ALARREN, WRITE AN ANALYSIS FOR THIS FANCY CROTCH, OR I AM TAKING YOUR TEST TUBES AWAY"*

Alarren grumbles: I knew this was going to happen. As soon as they started giving robots the ability to feel, I knew they were going to become as bad as people. Many of my colleagues argued they would be even worse, but this is mere reactionary panic. Sure, robots have the strength to rip a man in half, but they also have an off switch, and I feel this is an even trade.

At least in general.

I have no control over Marian, much to her delight, and she has decided to give me an ultimatum, secure in her metal clad fortress of invulnerability. Feel secure ordering a fleshling around, do you? Well I have news for you, wench! Had you asked politely, I might have been content to dissect the nuanced, ruffled texture and mysteriously alluring tattoo of the crotch you intended for me. But you did not! You felt it wise to threaten the foremost Scientician of the greater Armada area, and as such, you have forced my hand. I must analyze a crotch, lest I lose my laboratory, but there are TWO figures in the picture, madam, and I intend to focus on only one.

Your standard mechanized mannequin employs a bi-gyro-plated high-tensile elastoid turbine recombinator, allowing for a reasonable approximation of the human gait. Our esteemed hostess, however, possesses a heavily modified R-17 interlaced tri-plated tensile-gyro inverter, resulting in a fourteen percent reduction in friction, as well as a nine percent increase in torque. While this is a technical achievement of no small merit, one wonders what a non-combat automaton would need with such, for lack of a better term, groinal efficiency.

Perhaps the answer lies in the garb obscuring this "super crotch". While normally favoring a modest, if well crafted, skirt- in the proper Victorian style, no less- there is ample evidence that Marian often girds her loins with pants, as might be worn by a man. In fact, if one examines the above photo, one can clearly see the outlines of pants underneath her dress!

My friends, I realize my analysis of the pubic fork in question is harsh. But it is my duty, as a Scientician and a Scholar, to shine light into darkness and explore the deepest depths of our subjects. And Marian might rest easy, for it is my duty simply to present and comment on the evidence, and not to make the accusation that she is a robot witch.

Now, if you all will excuse me, I have test tubes to hide.